Suzanne (of Nairobi Police Station fame) emailed me this, and it’s too good not to share. Although apparently I am one of the last to receive it, but still..

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your increasing obsession with shows such as ‘Jersey Shore’, ‘Desperate Housewives of New York’ and ‘The Kardashians’  which President Obama kindly gifted to Her Royal Highness in US DVD format, and also in recent years your tendency to place greater importance on the activities of Sarah Palin than those of your own elected officials, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary, not that Webster’s imposter).

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

To aid the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect.

 

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in word such as ‘colour’ ‘favour’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour’. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘ize’ will be replaced with the suffix ‘ise’.

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no longer such a thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of ‘ize’.

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you are now ready to be independent. Guns should be used only for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you are not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be able to carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required should you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced by roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of wimps.

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen!

 

(And boy, did this post drive my spellchecker crazy..)

 

 

One Response to Email from the Queen

  1. Sandy says:

    The tea time sounds good!

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