Jelly Bad Day

In response to my previous “I’ve lost my Funny today” post, I wanted to update you all – I’ve found it again. Thank you to all of you for your words of encouragement (or bad day stories – Evan, I think your squirrels won), and finally to Helene, who sent me what I feel to be the ultimate Bad Day.. 

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a “worst job experience” contest.  Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.  Last week I had bad day at the office.  I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

 Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.  As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It’s a wetsuit.

 This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:  We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.  This $20,000 piece of s**t sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a delightful temperature.  It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.  This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

 Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it.  This only made things worse.

 Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

 Now since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it.  However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

 I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.  His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

 I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

 As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t s**t for 2 days because my asshole was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass!

 Tight lines and calm seas,


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